Never Ever Ever
Who: Myron Wagtail
What: Myron visits an couple of old friends who've gone and reproduced on him.
Rating: None (G)
Notes: for prompt 028. Children for fanfic100
Word Count: 902

Besides Christmases, the first occasion to bring Myron home in almost three years was this weekend: his parents' thirtieth wedding anniversary. This event, however, was not what had him so nervous. Caroline Aldridge- Peterson, he reminded himself- was a childhood friend of Elmira's who he'd not seen since moving to London. He'd begun the afternoon by casually asking his sister about what had happened to a few of their old acquaintances and eventually he got around to asking after Caroline. He'd always rather fancied her but never thought her the type to settle down so the news of her marriage and subsequent child with his old friend Tim Peterson came as something of a surprise to him. Ellie had asked if he wanted to go visit them since Tim was one of the few friends he'd expressed an interest in seeing again this trip and, in a fit of impulse, he'd agreed.

Now, sitting in the couple's living room, he questioned the sanity of his decision. Tim was glued to the football game on the telly but since neither of the teams were his, Myron had no interest in the game. The girls were engaged in an apparently fascinating conversation about little Tyler's bathing regimen of all things and he had just decided that he couldn't be more miserable when his ears caught his sister offering, "Myron'll hold him for you!" He looked up just in time to be ambushed by Caroline's plea of, "Oh, will you really? I just want t' show El this one dress and it'll only take a minute and I'd hate t' interrupt Tim 'cos United's playin'..." she trailed off hopefully. Myron simply stared at her- who in their right mind, after all, would trust their infant with him?- but all it took was her face starting to fall and the assurances of little Tyler's safety in his care came pouring out. The two women squealed happily- an action, he would later realize, which was rather a bad sign for him- and, after plopping the baby in his arms, raced off to the back room, Caroline excitedly describing what sounded like at least a dozen different articles of clothing that she just had to show her friend. Myron watched them flee then, sighing, turned his attention to the little boy in his lap. The child was staring at him, eyes wide, and he had just enough time to think this might not be so bad when a small hand came up and smacked him, leaving a messy little handprint on his glasses.

"Stop that," he said sternly, but this only earned him a giggle and another slap. "You're not listenin' t' me," he observed, frowning. This the child decided to reward with a poke and a high pitched squeal. Myron attempted to avoid the poke by swiftly jerking his head back... smack into the wall behind his chair. He let out a brief curse and glared at his happily giggling tormentor. A glance in Tim's direction showed his friend to still be completely immersed in the game. Unfortunately for him, little Tyler noticed his distraction and took the opportunity to seize his nose. Myron reacted much the same way as before and this time he saw stars. He glared at the clapping child and quietly muttered, "I hope you're picked on summat awful in school." He immediately felt guilty when the only response was a contented coo and he offered his free hand as entertainment in a sort of apology. His guilt was short lived as surprisingly fast hands grabbed and pulled his pinkie finger into a mouth of what had to have been razor-sharp teeth. He yelped, Tyler laughed, and Myron vowed to kill his sister for the, "See? I told you they'd get along!" that came from the back room.

A half hour later, things seemed to have improved for the unlikely babysitter. It'd taken a bit but he finally figured out that he could keep both himself safe and the child entertained if he perched him on his knee and bounced him while making funny faces. He'd just decided that maybe this wasn't so bad after all when a strange sound emanating from his charge made him peer closer, resulting a split second later in a face full of sick. The subsequent yelling and crying drew the two women from the back and, a trip to the loo and a borrowed shirt later, the Wagtail siblings were on their way back home.

When they arrived at their parents' house, Myron stormed upstairs to his old room. He distantly heard a relative ask what had happened to put him in such a mood and not even slamming the door drowned out the eventual laughter as Elmira told the story. "Little sadist," he muttered, pulling off the too-small shirt and grabbing a new set of clothes. He ventured across the hall to the bathroom where he had a nice long shower in an attempt to remove any and all traces of the encounter. Though it didn't seem to help overly much with the feeling of having been thrown up on, it did help with the smell a bit but, more importantly, it gave him time to think. When he stepped out, he caught his reflection in the mirror. He turned to stare himself in the eye and solemnly vowed, "I will never, ever ever have children."


Myron's LDT